240:. Positional problem solving is stating the outcome that the person wants, rather than the reason the person wants the problem solved. For example, "I want you to take out the trash every night" is positional problem solving, and "I don't want the kitchen to smell bad" is the reason. Declaring a single acceptable solution at the start makes many conflicts more difficult to resolve.
134:. They are also used to take ownership for one's feelings, rather than implying that they are caused by another person. An example of this would be to say: "I really am getting backed up on my work since I don't have the financial report yet", rather than: "you didn't finish the financial report on time!" (The latter is an example of a "you-statement").
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A study in Hong Kong of children's reactions to messages from their mothers found that children are most receptive to I-messages that reveal distress, and most antagonistic towards critical you-messages. A study with university students as subjects did not find differences in emotional reactions to
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Carol M. Davis' manual for health care workers calls I-messages an "important skill", but emphasizes that use of an I-message does not guarantee that the other person will respond in a helpful way. It presents an I-message as a way that one can take responsibility for one's own feelings and express
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According to Hope E. Morrow, a common pitfall in I-statement construction is using phrases like "I feel that..." or "I like that..." which typically express an opinion or judgment, such as "I feel that you don't care" or "I feel that you don't do your fair share of the work". Morrow favors following
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when I first read that section of your paper" or "I had to read that section three times before I understood it", rather than "This section is worded in a really confusing way" or "You need to learn how to word a paper more clearly." The former comment leaves open the possibility that the fault lies
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notes that although I-statements are less likely than You-statements to be critical and to make the listener defensive, "you can also buck this general rule and come up with 'I' statements like 'I think you are selfish' that are hardly gentle. So the point is not to start talking to your spouse in
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summarized this approach as follows: "A sender of a message can use a statement that begins with 'I' and expresses the sender's feelings, identifies the unwanted behavior, and indicates a willingness to resolve the dispute, without using 'you' statements or engaging in positional problem solving".
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It should be cautioned that "when you..." should be based on an objective event and avoid claims regarding intent. "When you said my birthday was in the wrong month, I felt like you don't care about me," is preferred over, "When you act like you don't care about me and my birthday..." This allows
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When an "I" message contains "you-messages", conflict situations can be harder to address. For example: "I feel..., when you..., and I want you to..." This can put the receiver of the statement on the defensive. In a dispute, use of a phrase that begins with "I want" may encourage the parties to
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Thomas Gordon writes, "Although I-messages are more likely to influence others to change than You-messages, still it is a fact that being confronted with the prospect of having to change is often disturbing to the changee." A quick shift by the sender of the I-message to an
326:, Gordon F. Shea states that communications specialists find that I-messages are a less threatening way to confront someone one wants to influence, and suggests a three-part I-message: a neutral description of planned behaviour, consequences of the behaviour, and the
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posture can achieve several important functions in this situation, according to Gordon. He states that in Leader
Effectiveness Training courses, this is called "shifting gears", and states that the person might shift back to an I-message later in the conversation.
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A study of self-reported emotional reactions to I-statements and you-statements by adolescents found that accusatory you-statements evoked greater anger and a greater inclination for antagonistic response than assertive I-statements.
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people talking to focus on events and feelings as separate events, which both allows people to express their feelings more clearly and helps clarify the initial event and reach agreement between parties.
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them without blaming someone else. Sheafor, Horejsi, and
Horejsi's manual for social workers presents I-messages as a technique with the purpose of improving the effectiveness of communication.
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He describes the I-message as an appeal for help from the other person, and states that the other person is more likely to respond positively when the message is presented in that way.
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While the underlying rationale and approach to I-messages is similar in various systems, there are both three-part and four-part models for constructing I-messages.
532:, from Communication Skills, Skills and Concepts of Conflict Management. Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution & Conflict Management. Retrieved 2011-02-12.
578:
727:
Bippus, Amy M.; Stacy L. Young (2005). "Owning Your
Emotions: Reactions to Expressions of Self- versus Other-Attributed Positive and Negative Emotions".
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is an I-message; some are statements about the speaker's perceptions, observations, assumptions, or criticisms (e.g., "I feel you are being defensive").
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A three-part model is proposed by the
University of Tennessee Family & Consumer Sciences for improving communication with children:
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An "interest-based" approach to conflict resolution suggests using statements that reflect why the individual wants something.
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Cheung, Siu-Kau; Sylvia Y.C. Kwok (2003). "How do Hong Kong children react to maternal I-messages and inductive reasoning?".
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780:
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Kubany, E.S. et al., "Verbalized Anger and
Accusatory "You" Messages as Cues for Anger and Antagonism among Adolescents",
461:, International Online Training Program On Intractable Conflict, Conflict Research Consortium, University of Colorado, USA
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Gordon advises that to use an I-message successfully, there should be congruence between the words one is using and one's
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that can be used to state how one sees things and how one would like things to be, without using inflaming language.
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I-messages and you-messages for negative emotions, but did find differences in reactions for positive emotions.
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Leader
Effectiveness Training (L.E.T.): The Foundation for Participative Management and Employee Involvement
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Brandon, Denise . University of
Tennessee, Extension Family and Consumer Sciences. Retrieved on: 2012-01-17.
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89:, beliefs, values, etc. of the person speaking, generally expressed as a sentence beginning with the word
686:
Making the patient your partner: Communication Skills for
Doctors and Other Caregivers (Edition of 1997)
213:. Gordon also describes a 3-part I-message, called a "confrontive" I-message, with the following parts:
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with the giver of the criticism. According to the
Conflict Resolution Network, I-statements are a
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from 12 Skills: 4. Appropriate
Assertiveness. Conflict Resolution Network. Retrieved 2007-11-25.
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Patient Practitioner Interaction: An Experiential Manual for Developing the Art of Health Care
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feeling rather than on accusing your spouse, your discussion will be far more successful."
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to help individuals resolve the present conflict and/or prevent future conflicts.
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287:"Can we work this out together?" (be open to working on the problem together).
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some stilted psychobabble. Just keep in mind that if your words focus on how
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Assertion about the feelings, beliefs, values etc. of the person speaking
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The simplest form, as frequently taught, is a single two-part sentence:
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Sheafor, Bradford W.; Charles R. Horejsi; Gloria A. Horejsi (1996).
281:"I don't like it when__ " (stating the behavior that is a problem)
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to avoid using "you" statements that will escalate the conflict
806:. Allyn and Bacon (Original from the University of Michigan).
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Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution and Conflict Management
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with children. He added the concept to his book for parents,
428:"The Cringey Communication Strategy Couples Counselors Love"
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The goals of an "I" message in an interest-based approach:
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without putting the listener on the defensive, by avoiding
416:. Gordon Training International. Retrieved on: 2012-01-17.
278:"I feel ___ (taking responsibility for one's own feelings)
194:"I feel..." with a feeling such as "sad", "angry", etc.
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Marital stability and relationship analysis researcher
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I would like... (tell what you want to happen instead).
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to respond in a way that will de-escalate the conflict
501:, Hope E. Morrow, Massachusetts, MFT, CTS, 1998–2009.
119:(1970). Not every message that begins with the word
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coined the term "I message" in the 1960s while doing
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to identify behaviors that are causing the conflict
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non-blameful description of the listener's behavior
803:Techniques and Guidelines for Social Work Practice
126:I-messages are often used with the intent to be
274:The Commission proposed a four-part I-message:
137:I-messages or I-statements can also be used in
549:The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
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683:Gordon, Thomas; W. Sterling Edwards (1995).
760:How to Develop Successful Mentor Behaviors
668:, Vol. 27, No. 107, pp. 505-16, Fall 1992.
220:the effect of that behavior on the speaker
171:I feel... (subjective feeling; 2nd event).
729:Journal of Applied Communication Research
168:When you... (objective event; 1st event),
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186:when... (tell what caused the feeling).
141:. For instance, one might say, "I felt
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105:and focuses on the person spoken to.
116:P.E.T.: Parent Effectiveness Training
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785:(4th ed.). SLACK Incorporated.
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101:", which often begins with the word
54:move details into the article's body
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542:Gottman, John; Silver, Nan (1999).
459:"I" Statements not "You" Statements
19:For Apple's messaging service, see
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426:Pearson, Catherine (2024-07-25).
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552:. Three Rivers Press. pp.
183:I feel... (Insert feeling word)
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544:"Solve Your Solvable Problems"
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583:. Perigee. pp. 113–115.
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741:10.1080/0090988042000318503
414:Origins of the Gordon Model
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471:When to Use "I" Statements
85:is an assertion about the
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763:. Thomas Crisp Learning.
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530:Rethinking "I" Statements
492:Constructing I-Statements
779:Davis, Carol M. (2006).
372:Nonviolent Communication
577:Gordon, Thomas (2001).
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432:The New York Times
377:Passive aggression
367:Flaming (Internet)
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714:(1): 3–14.
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616:Davis 1996
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735:(1): 26.
604:Shea 2001
440:0362-4331
382:Passivity
324:mentoring
128:assertive
79:I-message
62:July 2024
52:and help
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351:See also
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143:confused
87:feelings
21:iMessage
554:164–165
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