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in 2011, in which a man and his infant son died as the result of a stoning attack. In the attack, a stone was hurled through the window of the car that Asher Palmer was driving, causing him to lose control of the vehicle, which overturned. The attack was perpetrated by two
Palestinian men etc etc
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I know that you really want to keep the two
Palestinians in the first sentence, but basically, you are letting the thought of those two chaps stuff up your thinking. Write the sentence without them. Then see if they fit. If they don't, them leave them to the next
129:"The Death of Asher and Yonatan Palmer was a stoning attack by two Palestinians that killed Asher, aged 25, and his one-year-old son, Yonatan after their car overturned on the highway near the Israeli settlement of Kiryat Arba in the West Bank on 23 September 2011."
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Basic sentence structure in
British and American English is the same. The use of particular words, particularly colloquialisms (like chaps) differs. The spelling differs here and there. And there are one or two US rules of punctuation that defy logic. Other than
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The Deaths of Asher and
Yonatan Palmer resulted from a stoning attack by two Palestinians that killed Asher, aged 25, and his one-year-old son, Yonatan, on 23 September 2011, near the Israeli settlement of Kiryat Arba in the West
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I honestly don't see how it makes a difference... I'm being serious, not because I want to keep any specific wording (I didn't even submit the DYK, I'm just helping out here)... But I'll try some alternate wording anyway.
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The Deaths of Asher and
Yonatan Palmer resulted from a stoning attack.... that killed Asher, aged 25, and his one-year-old son, Yonatan, on 23 September 2011, near the Israeli settlement of Kiryat Arba in the West
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When I read the article, I discovered that a stone was hurled threw the windscreen of a moving vehicle from a vehicle travelling the opposite direct, causing injury to the driver, resulting in the car leaving the
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of the article refers to the death/s. You cannot write that the deaths were the attack. The deaths were caused by the attack, but they were not the "attack". It is simply an inaccurate way of stating the facts.
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The following material was written by me and added to the discussion page for DYK nomination. Since no-one has acted on these suggestions, I am going to presume that no-one has checked the nomination page.
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That's nonsense! It's nonsense even if you have inserted two
Palestinians, the dates, the ages and the place. It makes no difference. The actual structure of the sentence is faulty.
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No. It's fine to say that the deaths resulted from an attack. But you can't say that the deaths resulted from an attack that killed the same people that you have just named.
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The current sentence is better because you have introduce the word "when". But you have still tagged "resulting in the deaths of Asher and
Yonatan" on the end.
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I tried some alternate wording. Also be aware that
British English grammar may differ from American English (I assume you're British, as you said "chaps"). --
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The first sentence is very badly written. It does not state accurately what took place, as reported later within the text of the article.
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I am more concerned with the structure of the introduction than the hook. If the intro isn't good, then the article should not be a DYK.
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without the definite article, since that seems to be standard for articles which are about the deaths of actual people. Thoughts?ā
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Decide who the article is about. Is it about the two people who died, or is it about the two rock-hurlers who caused their deaths?
186:, is nonsense. It is particularly important in the case of a sensitive, recent matter that it is stated right, and relevantly.
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The first problem is the name of the article. It should be "Deaths of......", not "Death of......".
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In neither
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the deaths of Asher and
Yonatan resulted from an attack that killed Asher and Yonatan
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the deaths of Asher and Yonatan resulted from an attack that killed Asher and Yonatan
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I didn't use your exact wording, but I fixed all the problems that you mentioned. --
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The Deaths ... resulted from an... attack ... that killed Asher...and ... Yonatan.
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The notion that a hook can be irrelevant to the main subject of the article e.g.
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If you wish to start a new discussion or revive an old one, please do so on the
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168:"The deaths of Asher and Yonatan Palmer were events which took place in the
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If you remove the words "by two Palestinians" what you have left is this:
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There is no indication in the article that the "stoning attack" occurred
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their car overturned. What this means is that the car overturned, and
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The deaths resulted from an attack that also killed a lorry driver.
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Yonatan Palmer was born 4 months early and in perfectly good health
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The problem here is the structure of a successful definition. Try:
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Here are my Comments made on Sept 6. Please don't ignore them
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The deaths were caused by an attack that caused the deaths."
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The deaths were caused by an attack and the deaths occurred.
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The deaths resulted from an attack that blocked the highway.
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The deaths resulted from an attack that overturned their car
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1. This says that it was an attack that killed two people
156:2. The third problem is that the deaths that the
238:The introductory sentence still doesn't work:
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442:The deaths occurred when the deaths occurred
262:Remove all the other superfluous words:
459:This is nonsense in anybody's language!
431:Your first words tell us they are dead.
18:Talk:Murder of Asher and Yonatan Palmer
44:Do not edit the contents of this page.
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82:Probably this should be moved to
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510:Bereaved, and working for peace
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532:15:41, 11 January 2013 (UTC)
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173:West Bank
67:ArchiveĀ 2
61:ArchiveĀ 1
481:Activism
463:Amandajm
379:Activism
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335:Amandajm
321:Amandajm
218:Activism
199:Amandajm
526:Morpork
39:archive
435:repeat
433:Don't
404:that:
258:Bank.
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176:etc.
158:title
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135:AFTER
78:Title
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