Knowledge (XXG)

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

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333:, like the one I went to last year in Hawaii, I think 'Oh no! Is the moon eating the sun?' I don't know. Because I'm a caveman -- that's the way I think." This pronouncement would seem ironic, coming from someone who had, for example, just ended a brisk cell phone conversation, or indeed attended law school. Keyrock would always finish a disquisition, however, by asserting in a burst of righteousness that nevertheless, "There is one thing I DO know...." That one thing would be that his client was either innocent, or was entitled to several million dollars or more in both 361:'s and water would be served to Keyrock. The stewardess in that episode was not persuaded by Keyrock's whining that "I'm just a caveman" and that he is "frightened by the flying machine," and continued her duties. An enraged Keyrock then roared "Listen up, I will sue you and your whole crummy airline!" What happened afterward remained to be seen, but it was one of the few cases where Keyrock did not have his way. 66: 25: 161: 315:
The scene would then be accompanied by a song, beginning "He used to be a caveman...," showing Keyrock in animal skins beating a club against his hand, "...but now he's a lawyer!" and showing Keyrock's clothes changing from animal skins to a suit, and his club replaced by hands gesturing to emphasize
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was that Keyrock would speak in a slick and smoothly self-assured manner—but with obviously feigned naiveté—to a jury or an audience about how things in the modern world supposedly "confuse and frighten" him. He often emphasized the latter phrase with air-quotes or a showy gesture, which underscored
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sketches at that time, "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" was presented as a parody of a television show. During the opening and closing of the "show," the announcer would list some of the "show's" highly unusual sponsors, such as "Big Fat Bean" ("Why eat a lot of little beans when you can eat one big
312:"One hundred thousand years ago, a caveman was out hunting in the plains, when he slipped and fell into a crevasse, where he was frozen solid. In 1988, he was discovered by scientists and was thawed out. He then attended law school and became...the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!" 348:
The scenes would usually end with a small "outro" scene of "a sneak peek at the next episode" showing Keyrock making arguments. One such scene diverted from the usual "caveman argument" when a tipsy Keyrock was aboard a plane, being told by a
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for an injury. The jury or counsel is invariably swayed by Keyrock's argument, except every time the Judge announces the verdict in his favor, Keyrock is distracted by some other event like watching a
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in which an older, "country-boy" type Southern lawyer bamboozled "big city" or "sophisticated" lawyers. "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" upended the form by replacing the humble hero with a craven yuppie.
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game on his portable TV ("I'm sorry, Your Honor, I was distracted by the tiny people in this magic box"), or by a cell phone call, and the verdict has to be repeated.
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his obvious disingenuousness. He would then list several things that confounded him about modern life or the natural world, such as: "When I see a
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you gas, for those times when you feel like being the joker!"); "Dog Assassin" ("When you can't bear to put him to sleep, maybe it's time to call
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Chemical Sheller - why spend hours shelling pecans and walnuts? Pour on Chemical Sheller and shells just melt away.
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A television series about a man raised by wolves who finds himself caught up in the ways of the modern world
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The sketch was a parody of the "simple country boy beats city slicker" genre, such as then-popular series
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Wilson Ear Drill - we don't recommend that you use an ear drill, but if you insist, why not get the best!
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Clyde Baxter - if you're on his jury, won't you please vote not guilty? Clyde would appreciate it.
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National Escort Services - if we don't get a prostitute to your door in 15 minutes, you don't pay.
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Spider Whistle - spiders come crawling when you start blowing, also works on certain ants.
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to win his cases. He also enjoyed significant wealth, driving luxury cars like BMWs and
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about an unfrozen caveman with normal intelligence, but Paleolithic political views
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Dog Assassin - when you can't bear to put him to sleep, maybe it's time to call
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Big Fat Bean - why eat hundreds of little beans when you can have one big bean?
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Stink Pies - smell awful but taste great. Now available in Outhouse Coconut.
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Planet Xylon - change your ways or we'll come there and destroy you.
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Cubic Yard of Earthworms - what you do with it is your business.
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The full list of "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" "sponsors" include:
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you gas, for those times when you feel like being the joker.
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Chili-B-Gone - soothes eyes inflamed by chili spray.
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Index

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"Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer"
news
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books
scholar
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MOS:CONTRACTIONS
MOS:YOU
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Jack Handey
Phil Hartman
Saturday Night Live
caveman
beetle brows
Neanderthal
crevasse
Ice Age
Oklahoma City University School of Law
personal injury lawyer

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