608:"This article has been rewritten to satisfy Celebellum, another reviewer. Not good enough, it appears. There's beeen more information stripped out, responding to the "advertisement" label. I'm confused. Having satisfied one reviewer, it's not good enough for another. I'm beginning to get concerned that the subject matter isn't being taken seriously. Obesity is epidemic worldwide and there's little out there to help treat it with yoga. The article is well referenced, and Celebellum said it was well sourced and notable. Please be specific about what needs to be changed and I'll get on it. I'm a journalist with 32 years of pro writing experience, but I'm stumped right now about what else can be done with this article to educate the world's overweight and obese people about a yoga style that's been documented by outside media, chronicled in a book about yoga practices, and reaches out to a disabled populace."
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to let you know about my career experience. I want to be sure that
Heavyweight Yoga isn't being rejected because it's a practice that has a commercial aspect to it. So does Bikrahm Yoga. I want to be sure that this is about language. A few weeks ago the article passed on a rewrite. I thought Knowledge (XXG) was about disseminating knowledge, supported by independent sources, written with unbiased language. So many of its articles have commercial aspects.
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audience. Time and again, there were a vocal contingent of the users who wanted no education from any vendor source. Simply couldn't be unbiased, they'd say. Please tell me that we're not in that territory here. I've used
Knowledge (XXG) a long time, but without articles which have a commercial aspect, it would be half of its size.
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You are correct. I've been through the style guide, checked on peacock words, and so on. Across six publications, from newspapers to online journals, I've learned to write with an objective style. I actually got a journalism degree from a good j-school, Univ. of Texas. But that's not important except
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Hi, I've given the article a thorough rewrite to bring it into line with encyclopedic language, plus removed explict references to the materials whose source is the creator of the HeavyWeight practice. Also, I've been working on summarizing the story of the founder's training. Thanks so much for your
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Another example is the phrase "the practice of yoga can be intimidating to someone who is overweight or obese." This would sound more neutral if it was not presented in
Knowledge (XXG)'s voice - rewrite it as something like "according to so-and-so, the practice of yoga can be intimidating to someone
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Phrases like "style of yoga practice which extends the benefits of yoga to obese women and men" are non-neutral: the word "benefits" colors the reader's perception of the subject, intentionally or not. Could you change this sentence to something like "style of yoga practice designed for obese men
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Here's a story that still troubles me. From the 1980s onward, I covered (as reporter and editor) user group technical conferences. Subject matter for the seminars was sometimes offered by vendors: those companies who employed experts in the technology and hoped to present a talk to educate the
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Hey there, thank you for your comment on my talk page! I appreciate your commitment to improving this article. The problem right now is not sourcing - the sourcing is great! The issue is that the tone is not encyclopedic - it sounds like you are trying to promote the subject rather than
545:. Your article submission has been reviewed. Unfortunately, it has not been accepted at this time. Please view your submission to see the comments left by the reviewer. You are welcome to edit the submission to address the issues raised, and resubmit once you feel they have been resolved.
374:. Your article submission has been reviewed. Unfortunately, it has not been accepted at this time. Please view your submission to see the comments left by the reviewer. You are welcome to edit the submission to address the issues raised, and resubmit once you feel they have been resolved.
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Read through the article again and look out for this kind of unencyclopedic material - other examples include "she had to overcome yoga students' perceptions of a typical instructor's body size" and "Free in-home instruction of HeavyWeight Yoga is available." Keep up the good work!
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who is overweight or obese." Also, the story about the founder training for a marathon is a little too detailed and personal, it sounds like something a publicist would write. The entire story could probably be summarized in a sentence without losing too much information.
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Hi, you managed to remove the afc header so now it does not list itself for review. To put this back in add something like {{AFC submission|||ts=20130723204024|u=Ronseybold|ns=5}} which I just did.
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Great work! I've changed up the references a little but everything else looks good to me - I suggest you go ahead and resubmit it, and I or someone else will review it. :) Cheers, --
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Fantastic :) If you're interested mainly in yoga, there is a Yoga-focused collaboration group here:
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I saw your newly-created article, HeavyWeight Yoga, and it looked like you had meant to create it at
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and women"? This version simply presents the facts without any spin.
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Hey, Ronsey. I assume you meant to leave this message on my talk page:
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